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ok im so bored so i wana write somethin on here
i just wana die
i have had the worst week of my whole life
at skool no1 will talk 2 me
i dont no exactly wat happend but everyone hates me now for somethin i didnt do
i have been alone all week
i have sat alone in class , eat alone, walked home alone ... but it didnt bother me coz i was thinkin "it doesnt matter , karlo or paula will make me feel so much better wen i get bak home, they never leave me alone an they always help me"
but i was so wrong
i was more alone at home than i was at skool
karlo and paula wasnt online all day
i didnt no wat 2 do
i just sat alone in the same chair all night just hoping they would come and talk 2 me but time went so fast an they never did come
so again i went to bed an cryed myself 2 sleep
an then i woke up the next morning feeling like i couldnt breathe
an then i did wat i did every morning exept that day i thought "y go 2 skool , y live , y waste your whole life being alone, you will b alone again after you get home from skool coz karlo and paula arnt here for you anymore"
but then i tryed not 2 think about wat i just thought but then i didnt feel much like goin 2 skool so i went online 2 see if karlo and paula were on but no 1 was so i decided i would go 2 skool an not wait the whole day for them again
so i went down and got dressed but wen i came bak 2 turn my computer off karlo was online so i didnt wana go 2 skool again coz i would rather talk 2 karlo .. but we didnt talk long , we talked 4 like 25 minutes or somethin , he asked me y i wasnt at skool an i said coz the gates were closed i was 2 late an i would go later wen they open again (it was a lie , i stayed 2 talk 2 him , i didnt wana b alone again) so anyway then he had 2 go , an yet again i had just wasted the whole morning of skool an will get in a lot of trouble for not going 2 my first 2 lessons.
so ya , went 2 skool was alone all day again , came home and again all night i was alone.
an 2day ...
i woke up this morning with my pillow really wet were i had been crying all night...
but 2day somehow skool was worse
ya again no 1 talked 2 me , but no 1 even looked at me , even teachers did...
so AGAIN i sat alone at the back off class , and i felt tears coming into my eyes but i held them back , at the end of the day when the bell went i walked out of class as fast as i could an ran streight home.
my mum wasnt in coz she was at work till 5 so as soon as i stepped in my house an closed the door i fell back against the door an slid down till i was sitting an cryed an i couldnt stop , it felt like i was there 4 5 minutes or somethin i was sitting leaning against the door silently crying wen i heard my mums car coming , it was 5 already so that means i was sittin there 4 2 hours , so i quickly ran upstairs an shut my bedroom door.
i didnt no wat 2 do , i just wanted 2 lie in bed an go asleep an never wake up but i turned my computer on hoping that karlo might b online (coz paula neva is no more) even thow i hoped he would b i new he wouldnt ... so i got in bed an closed my eyes but i couldnt sleep , my eyes were stinging ...then i heard someone on msn talking 2 me so i got out of bed an went 2 my computer an IT WAS PAULA an i was so happy , i was smiling 4 the first time in ages ... but obviously we didnt talk much we said like 5 things 2 each other an then she had 2 go an then again i was unhappy i didnt wana eat nothin or do nothin or move so i stayed exactly were i was not moving just looking at the floor thinking "y r u living , wat have u 2 live 4"
an i dont now how long i was there 4 an then karlo came online .. an i was so shocked , i dont no y , i felt like i wanted 2 cry coz i was so happy , or just do somethin or anythin i was just sooooooooooo happy that he was online... but AGAIN we didnt talk much , we said hi an stuff an "wuu2" .. an then he asked me somethin an i said "ya , y" but then he didnt answer me 4 ages so i just said "k egnore me" ... an then he said "soz , i dont wana talk coz i dont wana make u feel bad , i am in the "i wana die" moments " an then i just felt so horrible , finally i felt i wasnt alone an i was loved but now its all just gone away again so fast...
anyway wile that was happenin paula came online an i was gona talk 2 her but 4 some reason she was mad at me she asked me if i was in love with karlo an i said no an she was really really mad at me , she thinks i do an she hates me 4 it so i asked her if she hated me an she said "i duno" so i said "well do u no an dont wana tell me or do u really dont no" an she said .."my mum told me i cant talk with u" an i was just so shocked , y cant she talk 2 me , i didnt even no i did anythin wrong...so i said "o... k then dont talk 2 me" ... an i dint mean it in a bad way , i just meant dont talk if ur not allowed.. but she said "o i c u dont wana talk with me" ... an i didnt say that SHES THE 1 WHO JUST SAID SHE CANT TALK 2 ME , an then she said "u probably hate me coz i am with karlo ... who noes wen we will speak again ... bye" an then she was offline.
an i couldnt belive it , i couldnt belive wat just happend ... did i just lose paula?
i dont no , an i still dont no.. wat if i neva talk 2 her again? i was so scared i started 2 feel dizzy an sick so i was gona ask karlo about it, so i said 2 him "please talk" an then i was just gona talk normall an try an b happy an find out if i lost paula or not but atleast i still had karlo ...
but after i said 2 karlo "please talk" he said ... "no"
an then i got the most horrible feeling in my stomach , it felt like i had just been stabbed an the pearson was twisting it , i couldnt belive he just said that .. was i goin 2 lose karlo 2 ?
then he said "i dont wana make ya b depressed miss dizzy" but i was thinking , is that just yr way of sayin go away i dont wana talk 2 u (i think it is) an then he said bye ... then it was like my heart stopped beating an i stopped breathing , i started 2 panic an i said 2 him "please dont go" an this time i lost control i couldnt let him leave i couldnt lose him , i couldnt see wat i was wrighting coz my tears were stinging my eyes i was just screaming at the computer "PLEASE DONT LEAVE" he said bye again an i said please no but by the time i wanted 2 wright anythin else he was gone ... its like my mind went blank , my voice was shaking my eyes were stinging i stood up but coudnt stnd properly coz i felt 2 dizzy an i fell but i didnt care i just sat an cryed , i had the most horrible feeling in my stomach i felt like i was goin 2 b sick , i almost was sick ...i ran into my room coz i didnt wana look at my computer .. i saw the mirror in my room an punched it , i didnt realise i hit it so hard it broke an cut me , the cut wasnt bad , i didnt feel it , my whole body was numb .. i just wanted 2 die that moment ... but i went 2 sit on my bed an there was a glass there i picked it up an threw it at my wall , i smashed almost everythin in my room ... then i sat on my floor an calmed down.. then i came on my computer an decided 2 write this ...
anyway i dont think anyones ever gona read this but atleast it was somethin 2 do instead of sittin doin nothin till i went 2 bed .